I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
