if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
