My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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