I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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