I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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