good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
