The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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