just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
