You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
