I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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