Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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