New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize