Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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