Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize