I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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