I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My feet surprised me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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