you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
