Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
