wat bout pragnant strippers??
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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