I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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