My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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