u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
