I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
