How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
