my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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