Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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