My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
