Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
