He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
