You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
