youre lurking in front of me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
