remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
