Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
