There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
