Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
