it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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