like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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