Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i out mim tonsoeep
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