I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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