I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
