please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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