I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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