1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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