If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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