Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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