What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
