I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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