he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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