no, he came in my armpit
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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