I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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