he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
