I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
