there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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