Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
