8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I just put wine in my tea
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
