Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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