hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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