well I can't set my house on fire every night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
