White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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