apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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