I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
